You Are Going to Have to Save Yourself
First published on Medium under another name in 2019. I still have both bracelets.
The last time I was in Richmond, a couple weeks ago, I got myself a present I’ve been wanting for a while.
A couple years ago, I made an attempt at starting a relationship with a poorly-chosen match. I knew what I wanted and was clear about it, he did not know what he wanted, I certainly wasn’t it. We parted ways and he dumped me off at a 21C hotel the day before my flight home. I was hurt and miserable but these are my favorite hotels and that was my saving grace.
The exhibit in this one was “The Future is Female” and it was exactly what my heart needed at that moment. Here are the photos I took of the exhibits that moved me the most.
The ultimate exhibit, to me, was the small altar with a series of white rubber bracelets like votive candles, and an offering box . The bracelets were imprinted with the truth: “You are going to have to save yourself.” I took two, one for a friend (who really liked it), one for myself. I offered $2 for each bracelet. I wore mine immediately.
It became difficult to constantly wear a rubber bracelet. It snagged on things and didn’t really go with fancier clothing. Eventually, it found its way onto my desk, where I could see it every minute I sat at my computer. I ofter turned it in my fingers, reading and feeling the words. There wasn’t a good way to merge the bracelet into my life like I really wanted.
Not that I didn’t remember the words always.
Never often enough though, never enough.
I got my first rats in December. My rats get to free roam and one of the places they roamed was my desktop. And of course they had to destroy my bracelet. (They seem to like to destroy the things I like the most.) I moved and protected it as best as I could. I could never wear it again, it would be completely ruined if I tried. Now it was just a reminder of things lost, things destroyed, lessons learned.
January 2019 became the beginning of my makeover year. There are many areas in which I could improve, so many things in which I’d let myself get lazy. One of these things has been updating my wardrobe and trying to find a style that wasn’t t-shirts and yoga pants and flip-flops. I’ve started wearing jewelry. I can’t afford “real” jewels, so I wear “fake” jewels. (Of course they’re all actual stones and metals but we’re talking perceived street value.) I like sparkly stuff, always have, always will. (One of my clients has been slowly gifting me with beautiful Mikimoto pieces, that’s another blog entry.)
A month or so ago, staring at my ruined bracelet, I realized I could find a metal bracelet, and have it engraved with the words!! I could wear it and no one would be the wiser; my rats couldn’t destroy it this time.
Do you realize how hard it is to find good silver bracelets that would work for engraving and be cheap without looking cheap?
Online shopping isn’t always the best and I eventually found what I was looking for at a costume jewelry store, as I thought I might. This was days before I left for Richmond. It’s not that I can’t find engraving in Raleigh, I just stay near a mall in Richmond and yes, this mall had a Fast Fix jewelry shop.
They did engraving. The phrase was quite a lot to fit onto the bracelet and the bracelet needed to be bigger and rounder but whatever, they did the job and it was done within hours. I can wear my bracelet with almost anything and on the inside of my wrist, I can read and remind myself
You are going to have to save yourself.
All photos are with my Leica Q and are not altered aside from occasional cropping, and resizing to more easily fit here. #thefutureisfemale
Additional note: The rubber bracelet is even more chewed. I broke it at a thin point, stretch it flat and taped it to the bottom of my computer screen. It oversees the keyboard and is unignorable. I wear my silver bracelet whenever possible.
This entry entirely contradicts my stated desire for a patron. I don't expect one. I don't expect anything except hard work, and to save myself. After success, I won't have to give thanks or credit to anyone else, I'll owe nothing to no one.